I hate this. Why can’t I just DO things? Get things done, live, work, play, study hard, everything.
I want to be able to give my all for everything that i do, i want my work to not feel mediocre. Doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t to other people, I want to feel good about my work.
But I feel like stupid shallow things have been getting in the way of what I really want to do. Things with friends, things with media, etc. Who cares about those things? Who cares about Facebook and other websites? Recently I’ve been sooo tired of the computer but I go on anyway at the end of the day JUST BECAUSE. It pisses me off. I feel like I’m wasting my time striving for shallow things with no actual permanent results. Why should I care about other people? (Wow, that sounds mean and insensitive, but remember that I’m talking about people I barely know or have nothing to do with, or if they’re my friends/acquaintances we have a very obviously SHALLOW/hollow relationship.) Why should I care about all these things that fade, take up time but yield nothing, things that are hollow and shakeable and character degrading. And I keep saying the words “shakeable” – if you aren’t Christian you probably wouldn’t understand this. The shakeable things of this world – the things that will fade away, not eternal. The things that are built high and seem amazing or successful but truly have no root, no depth.
Also, all the things I actually want to do – the things that I have a PASSION for, or things that I want to learn, know, things that interest me…those are replaced by the things people want me to do, things I “have to” do. It’s sacrificing passion for what society thinks is good and right. I know I will deeply regret all of this later.
Does anything I do now have any effect long-term? Will it get me where I want to go? Or will I only be influenced or forced to go another path more? I feel like there should be something more to all the things I am doing right now. Something deeper than just shallow lip service, flattery, replacing opinionated, well thought out ideas for what is socially accepted or widespread. Something unshakeable.
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