anonymous: thoughts and feelings of just another silent bystander of life.

16 Nov

I really wish I could just…write. Write and say everything on my mind that I think matter, and not care what other people think of me. I wish I wouldn’t care so much about how people see me, as long as I say why I think must be said, everything that’s important, and I have no regrets saying it. I hate all this censorship/filtering crap going on inside of me. What can I say around this person so they don’t bash on me? What can I write on my other blog, which everyone reads, that they won’t misunderstand or find offensive? They get mad because THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND me. They don’t try to, at all. And maybe that’s my fault, because I try to hide myself under a facade of a girl who has camouflaged herself into someone who will be accepted–the thing I say have all been adapted into things that will make people laugh or find funny. It’s almost like a skill–I hide myself so much that I start believing in that fake me. You know that thing where you lie to yourself or others or you say something so much that you convince yourself or start actually believing it? I hate that, but I feel like that’s what is happening to me. Not that I’m lying or anything, but it really does vex me that nothing I say to my friends is anything I want to say. Everything is just, what’s leftover from my censorship and “stuff to say to fit in/be accepted/be on people’s good side” list. Every word I say only makes me feel disgusted at myself more. Every sentence drags me farther from what I want to be, and and what I consider good, and pulls me just that much closer to what I find disgusting–what I hate, what I find terrible. It may sound like a huge exaggeration, all of this, but aren’t things always magnified in your own mind? For me, things that stick out to me are things about myself, it’s not like I normally overreact at what people say to me, or how they treat me or whatever. I really only care about things that are about me when I fuss about those things; I guess it’s because we’re always harder on ourselves than on others. But the notion of me turning into something or someone who, if I see myself from another person’s point of view, would despise, scares me. I hate it. I’m a very harsh person, and there are many things I consider utterly and indisputably disgusting. I always use the word “disgusting” to describe it, because to me, that’s the harshest form of contempt I can describe or portray in a word. I usually don’t like writing about this type of stuff, because other people make it seem like such a shallow thing. “Ohmigosh, I really wish I could just FIT IN! I wish people would just accept me! I wish I could be myself around you and not feel two-faced when being around different people!” That’s a teen thing. That’s a popular girl crisis. That’s about “fitting in” with friends and groups of people. Whatever it may seem, and although you might not get that picture from me talking about it like this, I am not talking about fitting in. I don’t know if you see it as clearly as I do, I feel like I’ve tried to explain it in here already or show that what I’m talking about is different from all this shallow teenager drama “mid-life crisis” angst stuff. In my mind there is a clear divide from what I’m talking about, but I’m not sure if you would get that from reading this. But anyway, I feel like I’m losing myself, and losing oneself, as most people know already, is not a very good thing. It’s like being swallowed by quicksand: you just get eaten by the fake-ness you created. Those masks you put onto yourself? You’ve already added so many layers you can’t take it off anymore. You’ve looked at yourself so long in the mirror with those masks on, you’ve said so many of those things, that you forget your own face, your own voice. Lies. I hate the idea of lying to yourself. I HATE lying. I hate contradiction. I hate hypocrites and two-faced people. Shallowness. I despise shallowness. Yet that’s all I see in myself nowadays. Where am I, again? How did I get here? I hate the thought that I look at things from MY perspective, because I always try to look at things from a bystander’s POV, or God’s POV. Where do I stand, relative to the people who I speak out against, who I think are “hypocrites” or “shallow”, et cetera? In God’s eyes, who am I? Could I be called one of them? Would I be placed in the mush-pit with the people who are unrepentant liars and “unforgivable” hypocrites? I have always thought my judgment was slightly more focused, clear, and on the right track than a lot of other people, not because I think I’m better than them or I’m sententious and think everyone is worse than me, but because I feel like I’ve ALWAYS BEEN “the bystander”. The one who watches, hears all the sides, and is able to make a more unbiased opinion because of my disconnect with the event or with people.  It’s not like me to complain about things I do to myself…it’s my fault I got into such a position in the first place. What makes me sad/feel bad though, is the impersonality of my relationships with people. That is what breeds the need to change myself and be flexible for other people’s needs or become a person “suitable” to stay a friend or someone to talk to. I really hate this, that I feel like I can’t express myself or that after years and years of hanging out with these same people, they still don’t know who I am. And in some ways, I am bitter, and I believe that to be rightfully so, but my fault in this is also quite a big part, I’ve discovered. I put myself in a position where I feel like I can’t afford to lose people, or lose trust with people. Therefore, I always say what people would find okay, or what they want to hear, what they would accept. That’s just on the outside, I’m just saying it so that I’m saying SOMETHING, something that will fade and be accepted, but nothing important. There is none of “me” in what I say anymore. Everything I do is just playing things safe, and I hate it, but I can’t get away from it. It’s like walking on a thin thread, only saying things I know will not disrupt my balance, walking on a thin line of words without feelings, words that come without thought or personality. Moving forward based on things I have already known would work, things I say and do that have already been proven in the past to be “safe”. Isn’t that all this is? It’s terrible, isn’t it.

I have tried to say things to them. But I feel bad, because I’m not a good speaker, so things I say will get twisted out of proportion. Things I never meant or had no idea of will get somehow strung into it, motives I never had will be weaved in. I hate that feeling of doubt, being avoided, being on the “hot seat” and being judged. I hate that feeling that I can’t fight it or fight for myself or speak back. That is literally the worst feeling in the world, when you feel like you’re being put on trial for something that you didn’t do or think, and people are accusing you of things. People you trusted, people you cared about. Some of  which you thought or even believed with all your heart that felt the same way, influenced only by the eloquence or harshness of speech by the other person, and turn against you. Maybe not because they hate you or truly think you were in the wrong, because most of them truly did feel the way you did about something, but because they don’t want to be turned on either. Those things I want to say, things I feel like are important–those things are because I think of them as essential for the bettering or progression or strengthening of a relationship, or things I feel like are good for the person, and I want to freely be able to say things like that. I believe that I have never had any malice or destructive or degrading intent in any of my comments to any of them, that is for sure, and I believe that because I look down on myself more than others, I try to better other people more than myself, because I feel like they have hope to change into better people. When a group of friends has a problem with one person constantly doing something that annoys them or they find disturbing, mean, hateful, or offensive, after long talks with others or analysis of that person with others so I know we have the same point of view, and after coming to the conclusion that that person has to stop doing that, I believe I would be the first person to confront that person. Not because I can’t stand them (–I’ve already tolerated things for so long), but because other people realize it too, so I know it’s much bigger than just my simple one-person annoyances, prejudices, and preferences. Because maybe, that person doesn’t realize it themselves. I’m a quite naive person, I believe that everyone can be better, everyone can get along, everyone can be saved (talking on Christian and normal human terms). So my idea is that: “If that person COULD find out what s/he is doing wrong, or what people think s/he should change, that person could do that and at least try to change or repair his/her faults so that the relationship could continue, and be strengthened and mended, plus that person could become a better person by overcoming that fault that keeps people away from him/her.” Is that really too naive, too innocent?

I’m also scared of my own faults. Not that I don’t want to know them–I want to know the truth more than anyone. I want to know what people think of me as a person. I want them to analyze what I talk about, what I feel, my thoughts, my actions, etc. I want to know if my view of myself is compatible with the views of other people who know me really well. I’m not talking about little petty things, more like whether or not I’m a good person. Where I stand. (In many ways knowing where one stands is not a good thing, because even one view can get one’s heads to be stuck above the clouds and look down on people who they think are lower than them.) It’s not about upper or lower, or who is better than who in this world’s terms, it’s about good or bad. LEGIT good or bad character/person/personality analysis. I think I should pray about this.

What scares me other than the possible non-credible judgment I have upon others (it’s impossible not to judge…and judging people isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s needed, it’s inevitable. It keeps people accountable and allows them to improve. When I do judge people, I want to at least somehow be on the right track. I hate feeling bashed or hated on for things I didn’t do or feel or whatever, so I don’t want to do that to others) is that I might be contradicting myself. Being a hypocrite, and all that. That’s why I’m scared of writing. I have to analyze myself – do I have any double standards? All of this: can I as a person trust in myself and my own thoughts?

I wonder if I made sense. I’m sorry, I kind of started rambling, and it’s so long that I’m not going to read it over. I feel like the more I started talking, the more I had to add, and now I feel like I don’t have an ending. That annoys me, but my long ramblings and reflections on self/others usually turn out this way. Haha, sorry about this. It’s so messy. I feel like all my paragraphs overlap and my thoughts are not organized at all.

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One Response to “anonymous: thoughts and feelings of just another silent bystander of life.”

  1. eri December 9, 2011 at 8:02 am #

    this is a really long post.

    this was the one I was talking about.

    yup.

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