anger issues.

9 Feb

I look for excuses to be angry sometimes. Which is okay, sometimes, because that’s just my way of feeling emotion or annoyance. But what is not okay is when I let it affect my relationship with other people. I’m stubborn, and sometimes I just want to throw a tantrum and be angry at everyone, and stay angry for really no reason at all, except that it makes myself feel better. When I’m  angry or pissed, I take it out on everyone, and I can’t feel any other emotion than anger. It’s like a dominant gene versus a recessive one: the dominant emotion, anger, always masks any other small, fleeting emotion. (haha, Bio reference. This is what Biology Honors with Sarkar does to people…) The thing with me is that I really have no emotion other than being depressed, being normal, and being angry. All other emotions I have are from other people. I feed off of other people’s emotions, I feel their emotions. Which is why I barely ever cry for myself emotionally, I cry when I’m angry and frustrated (which is, quite often), I mainly cry for others or for things like books, movies, dramas, manga, etc. Dramatic, emotional, touching stuff. So when I’m angry, that masks my ability to comprehend other people’s emotions, my ability to be compassionate, and all I can feel is myself. My brain, my anger, cursing, annoyance, frustration, et cetera. That’s all I can ever feel. So when people try to approach me, I am annoyed at them, or I find myself glaring at everyone else in the room, or having a murderous aura, or being unapproachable as always. But I like to think of myself as a nice person. Because I am, because I try to help other people. If they bother to talk to me.

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