all of a sudden, everything stopped.

11 Feb

Before I realized, before I could start to breathe, or remember to, for that matter, all of it was gone.

Like a whirlwind, leaving no trace, but the memories ingrained in my heart. So vivid, so real, so perfect… Shining brightly, luminously — the memories illuminated. So much so that a person questions their existance, for how could something feel so real yet so fake at the same time? So perfect and true that they are too good to be true. Those things, things that someone like me would never be able  to fully accept in my mind, yet so long too, knowing that it is stupid to believe in something so fantastical, so awesome.

Those eyes, were they human? Ever since that day, I have always paid close attention to people’s eyes. They are the first things I see… I could even say, that they are the only things I see when I look at people. They really are mirrors to a person’s soul; the me of the past would have never thought like this. But now, I clearly see. All I needed to do was to look deeper. When I look at some people, the really special, unique ones, or the quiet, lonely, or mysterious ones, it’s almost like their eyes beckon to me. Like their soul wants someone to be able to read it and look into it. One thing I’ve learned from this is that a person’s soul is different from their mind, their thoughts, their personality, even. They can think all the things they like, and even do evil, sinful things, and lie to themselves or others, but their soul never lies. Their soul is never innately bad, though the things they do may be. All those things on the exterior are simply created from the way they live or were brought up, and their emotional or life situation. Their eyes reflect that, no matter how dark or evil they can seem. One just has to peel the layers back, and brush away the murkiness, revealing the light.

Somewhere along the line, a switch was thrown, and things became different. Excuse me for a while, the realistic me, the one who would have never considered these things, but I will recount to you (I know not who I speak to, perhaps you, the reader, or myself, the one who is so skeptical, or you, the one who came and disappeared) that past, a reality that may not have existed. I do not know where exactly to begin, for time was hazy, although the images, touches, and feelings were so clear. And the things you said have also faded into the void, I cannot make them out. Perhaps you said it in a different language entirely, I do not know or remember.

I don’t remember where you came from, but I was there, and you spoke to me. Your eyes, they spoke too, not to me but to my soul. I remember feeling more  on the depressed side that day, and I remember the death of my eyes in the mirror. I remember looking in it, but not recognizing myself, my eyes. They scared me, they were dead. They were dull and lifeless, fake little plastic orbs of boredom and death. And I almost started laughing, because I told myself that’s all I would amount to, no matter how hard I faked to other people or myself, I was just a dead wax doll. Then you appeared. I don’t know if it was right after that, but I do remember standing on a cliff by the beach, watching the technicolor blend of sunset. With you. Then I remembered it growing infinitely dark all around me, but turning to look at you, I was shocked to see how clearly I could see your face. Who were you? An angel, a devil? Those were the first thoughts that popped into  my head. And…your eyes. Why were they so bright, as if you were able to see through me to my very innermost core, which I thought was utterly disgusting? I was horrified, yet intrigued. What did you see? Those eyes of yours…I thought, if I could just see with eyes like yours, I wouldn’t care how I looked like, just that I could see. That I could see Life, which would give me hope. Hope for what, though? To live? Your eyes were bright blue, and… Ablaze. With vitality, piercing brightness, yet a soft and gentle flame, of omniscient illumination. So alluring, I became lost im them. Enthralled, enchanted, entranced. I do not know how long I looked into those eyes, time ceased to exist. You said things to me, but I did not hear them – they were words spoken not to be registered by the brain, but absorbed and embedded in the heart, in the soul, in one’s existance. Standing in your presence, it was almost like being recharged, healed, purified, and mostly, given life. During that time I did not  breathe once, blink once, and I do not know if  I even moved at all. Though I could not hear your voice, I do know that you said one thing: to Live. I could feel by heart pulsing, beating, but it was not my own. The rhythm was off, my body was different. The air was charged…with unextinquishable life. It was like you were giving me life.

I only remember the beginning and the end, perhaps because everything seemed it was the beginning, without the presence of time, and the end, that came so suddenly. This may all seem very strange and disjointed, but that was how it was for me, and the things I noticed and remembered. So I apologize if everything was wrong and weird and I missed a lot. Then, like a sudden jerking movement, those eyes changed. It was like they were drained, and turned grey, like marble. I screamed, screamed to get out  of this nightmare, and you looked at me  with those slowly becoming pitch-black eyes, said a few words, and disappeared. The tears came, I did not know why, but I could not stop crying. It was like Life was killed, right before my eyes, or even the source of life. It was like I was the one who killed you. I passed out after that, for almost a whole day, and although I woke, it was like I was in a  coma for the next ten days. The shock, the anxiety, the pain. All came at once, and I could not understand: You spoke to me, you came to me, why? And also, what happened?

I did recover, I do not know how or why, but once I stopped feeling terrible, with those shackles holding me back. It was like I knew I had to change or get up and walk away, and the truth would come later.

The truth, I only realized it now. My eyes, they’ve changed. You gave me your eyes, didn’t you? You gave me them because you knew how much I wanted to live, how much I wanted to have that taste of truly being alive and existing.

Thank you.

I can see clearer than ever before now.

I will not waste this new life you’ve given me.

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