Archive | May, 2012
30 May

I was thinking just thinking about it, especially since it’s after writing the previous post about tears, that it’s really interesting that after every heartbreak, every despair, every depression, every frustration, every misunderstanding, every loss, every desolation, we always end up at the same place. A place where we relate with other people and can feel their pain; it’s the place where we can relate to ourselves, that shows we’re still the same person and we’re not the only people in the world going through pain. A place that proves that we’re human, we’re compassionate, we’re understanding, we do feel emotion, and that we are relational, rational beings. We always somehow find our way back to a place we often forget to revisit when we’re clouded with our own lives and business and happiness. We often forget the way back to our emotions, our natural, bare, naked state of “soul-fullness”. I call it that because that’s exactly what it is, being fully a soul, fully emotions. To forget and leave one’s physical human state for just a moment, and delve deeply into our souls, spirits, hearts, emotions, consciousness, vitality. Whatever you believe in, whatever you call it, it’s still an essential, yet often, too often, neglected and untreated part of ourselves. With tears, that’s kind of a way of our body or spirit telling us to revisit that broken part of ourselves. We experience physical pain because of a physical  injury or wound, but tears are our reminder that we are spiritually and emotionally broken. We need to mend a part of ourselves, we need closure, we need acceptance, we need to move on. It’s a sting, a jolt in our hum-like human consciousness that is only half-conscious (oh, the irony) telling us, reminding us to not just zip past this part of our lives or go through the motions like we usually do; but instead to look back for a second and see where it hurts. Have you ever forgotten how to cry? Or forgot how you felt when you were crying in the past? Maybe you’ve become hard to emotions, unfeeling, heartless, stone-cold, emotionless, and you’re trying to get in touch with the person you used to be, open-hearted, warm, maybe a little emotional or dramatic… That’s probably because you have stopped revisiting this essential place in your mind, you’ve closed it off. You are unable to relate with both yourself and others, unable to feel. But our pains and experiences bring us back to that and constantly reshape us as humans, constantly bring us back to our natural human selves, constantly call us to relate and sympathize and love and feel. It’s a beautiful and important thing, that we can so easily reach a secret part of ourselves and at the same time understand the seemingly deepest, darkest secrets and emotions of those around us.

So I will allow the tears to take me back, back to who I was and what I wanted, what I felt and what I dreamt, and maybe “soul-fullness” itself will be able to mend (oh my god I immediately thought of the word Ligate…DNA Synthesis! Okazaki Fragments! Biology! Sorry, I killed the solemnity.) the little rips and tears and holes in my life and hold me together as a perfectly imperfect relational being.

Neverending (It never stops)

30 May

“Ever since the first tear cried…”

After the first tear falls, it’s incredibly difficult to stop crying.

Water is polar, tears consist mainly of water. Once tears begin filling up in your eyesockets, the only thing stopping them from falling is that your eyelids are like cups, containers; they need to fill up first before tears start falling. They are the first stage, or checkpoint, before shame, humiliation, and self-reproach. And once they fill up to the brim, the only thing keeping them from pouring is their surface tension. Once they overflow and break surface tension, then all the tears start falling. Infinitely, Inconsolably, Interminably. Because once the first tear traces its path down the shamed and unfortunate individual, the next follows. And the next, and the next. It’s like the container is opened, the waterbreaker is unlocked, the roads and doorways no longer blocked. Adhesion and cohesion, two more properties of water. Water sticks to itself, and once the path is traced, our friend surface tension cannot be of any use anymore. All the tears that built up and that we were hoping, praying, holding back with all of our might, are unleashed. Ready to run rampant and impose the utmost shame upon their owner. And no matter how many times we try to cover up or quickly wipe off the tears or rub our eyes,  the tracks are memorized. They are there for what seems to be an eternity. Impossible to stop, impossible to hold back, inconsolable. No matter what we do or how many times we wipe our eyes, it always seems like our evil tears keep going back over the same routes, keep falling. It seems like the traces are gone from our face, the telltale tracks, but deep inside they are still there. At a cellular level, a molecular level. And the tears, they follow that. It’s like they’re alive, constantly going back and remembering even though we want them to forget. But the tears never forget. But we fail, and sometimes our facade of happiness cracks, our ideal self slips, and we lose control over ourselves both emotionally and spiritually. So no, the tears will never stop falling. Never stop until we die.

30 May

I was going to make this post about angstiness and friend problems, but then I ended up talking about it with my friend and getting it all out, so there’s nothing I really need to talk about now. It’s just wrong to go back and talk about depressing stuff when I’ve obviously forgotten it all and I’ve been cheered up. Anyway, since I’ve gotten over complaining and depressing about my current group of friends, I wanted to thank the friends I do have. The ones that care, the ones that listen, the ones that answer, that help, that stand up for me and side with me, that I can be myself with and pour my thoughts on. Today it was just one, but there are also many others and I really want to thank you all and tell you how much I appreciate you, even if you aren’t in my actual “friend” group at school that I eat lunch with, or even if you have your own friends. You guys all stand out to me in different ways and it’s really just fun and relieving to be with or talk to you all.

I won’t wish that my current “friends” are like you guys, but I do with that they will be more compassionate and understanding and open, and that I’ll be able to expand my circles and horizons by getting to know more people and perhaps, even leaving a few people behind.

30 May

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, “I’ll never let you go”
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, “Don’t leave me here alone”
But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

30 May

A group of bloodthirsty ants are attracted to rotten flesh –
With an expressionless face,
I watch the lonely scenery.
Having lost you,
Love and hate start to become clear,
Having lost you,
What else is there to care about?
When the doves no longer represent peace,
I’ve finally been reminded,
That those feeding in the public square plaza are, in fact, vultures.
I use beautiful rhymes
To describe a love that has been plundered empty…

Ah, black clouds begin to obstruct the sky,
The color of the night is unclean.
The echoes of that funeral in the park
Are flying all through the boundless sky.
The white rose that I gave to you
Has withered in this environment of pure darkness.
On branches, the silence of the crows creates a surreal atmosphere.
Listening quietly, my black overcoat yearns to provide you warmth –
A memory that becomes colder with each passing day.
A life that’s gone, that’s walked past life…
Ah, fog fills the air all around –
Ah, I am in the open cemetery –
I’ll still love you when I’m old.

For you, I play Chopin’s Nocturnes
To commemorate this deceased love of mine
Sounding just like a wind in the night,
So heartbreakingly beautiful
My hand strokes the keyboard lightly
The longing that I gave was very tentative
You are buried in the place called the Afterlife.

I play for you Chopin’s Nocturnes,
Commemorating my dead love.
For you, I become anonymous,
Playing the piano under the moonlight.
The feeling of your heartbeat
Is still so warm and clear,
I remember the scarlet imprint of your lips.

Those dragonflies with broken wings,
Are scattered in this forest,
And yet my eyes do not show a single shred of sympathy.
Having lost you,
My tears are murky and blurred,
Having lost you,
Even my smile holds shadows.
The wind on the moss-covered rooftop
Jeers at my sadness
Like a dry, waterless well.
I use a sad but exquisite font
To describe that love which not even regret will bring back..

29 May

I am half-sick of shadows.

26 May

You appear in every page of my poem.

Total (Solar) Eclipse of the Heart. ♫

22 May

Yesterday, I went with a couple of my youth group friends from my church, SJ Canaan Christian Church, to Alum Rock for a hiking trip to see the solar eclipse. I was super excited because I’ve never seen any celestial occurrences, not even a meteor shower or shooting star (not even one!) or lunar eclipse. It’s quite sad, really. We were in a group of 11 people, most were young couples or college kids and their high school brothers; Rebecca and I were the only high school girls. So of course, we sang the entire way up. ^_^ We couldn’t think of any other popular songs at that time that were catchy but not super annoyingly electronic or depressing (Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Adele), so of course, instead we sang the songs “Drive By”, “We are Young”, and “Glad You Came”…and once in a while someone would say “Hey” and we’d break out into a high-pitched “Call Me Maybe” and everyone would groan as it atrophied their brains.

We must have sung “Drive By” the entire way up the mountain, the parody to One Direction’s desperate and shallow attempt at picking up girls, “What Makes You Beautiful”, and “We are Young” while waiting for the eclipse at the top of the hill, Coldplay songs (Viva La Vida), “Glad You Came” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” during the eclipse, and all the Mandopop songs we knew (Fated to Love You OSTs) the entire way down…and on the car drive there we sang Chinese songs (By2, Nicholas Teo), and on the way back, Chinese songs (Jay Chou) and all the songs that were stuck’ in our heads from the song-fest up and down the hill…”Call Me Maybe” and the “Na na” part of the “What Makes You Beautiful” parody by Key of Awesome…

I apologize to the poor, unfortunate old souls in our group and other hikers who just wanted to enjoy a good solar eclipse and take good pictures, we must have killed them with our beautiful siren-esque voices.

22 May

I love oldies music. I’ve spent the past few weeks listening to Pandora stations of Frank Sinatra (Fly Me to the Moon), Michael Buble (Sway, L O V E), ABBA, Simon & Garfunkel, Michael Jackson, and the Beatles. But what sucks is that I really haven’t ever listened to oldies music before, so I really don’t know any songs and artists other than the super famous ones (like the ones listed above).

I am completely in LOVE with Motown music, but I really don’t know any good bands or singers. I seriously only know popular songs (and Idk who sings them) and Boyz II Men, haha.

I also need to go back and relisten to NSYNC and Backstreet Boys and J. Lo, etc. Haha, I only know songs like Bye Bye Bye, It’s Gonna Be Me, etc…

I’m so sick of our music, and I’m obsessed with karaoke (and my karaoke’s only English songs are the ones super popular from a longgg time ago), so I’d love to know any good songs and artists. 🙂 I also hope to find a good oldies music station, other than KOIT 96.5 and 94.5. I don’t really like the songs there, and they play modern pop music half the time anyway…


21 May

My life is all about limits. Limiting myself, trying not to step on people’s toes, trying to justify every action I do by making sure and checking myself and my selfishness or badness again and again by asking for people’s opinions. Because I’m insecure. Because I don’t know what I’m allowed to do. Because I don’t have guidance and I don’t have confidence to just to and do or say something.

You know what’s even worse? If you read my previous post, including my thoughts at the end, it’s the same thing. I’m just as bad. I’m always trying to justify my thoughts, even when I’m allowed to do or say things. I’m scared of what people think of me, heck, even on my blog. Even with strangers.

I’m just as bad.

I’m always looking for justification for my judgments of other people. I don’t feel confident that I’m better or justified to even judge or think badly of someone else, because I think terribly of myself. What right do I have to judge this person? What right do I have to hate them? You’re just as bad. You’re worse. No matter what the other person does. Even if s/he does something against you, you don’t have the right to be mad, because you deserved it.

I’m always trying to find justification and reassurance from someone “credible” and “unbiased”. Erin. I ask her things, when I start judging people, if she sees it too, if she feels that way also about that person. My justification. If not, my limiter. I’m not allowed to feel that way. I’m not allowed to see such things.