21 May

My life is all about limits. Limiting myself, trying not to step on people’s toes, trying to justify every action I do by making sure and checking myself and my selfishness or badness again and again by asking for people’s opinions. Because I’m insecure. Because I don’t know what I’m allowed to do. Because I don’t have guidance and I don’t have confidence to just to and do or say something.

You know what’s even worse? If you read my previous post, including my thoughts at the end, it’s the same thing. I’m just as bad. I’m always trying to justify my thoughts, even when I’m allowed to do or say things. I’m scared of what people think of me, heck, even on my blog. Even with strangers.

I’m just as bad.

I’m always looking for justification for my judgments of other people. I don’t feel confident that I’m better or justified to even judge or think badly of someone else, because I think terribly of myself. What right do I have to judge this person? What right do I have to hate them? You’re just as bad. You’re worse. No matter what the other person does. Even if s/he does something against you, you don’t have the right to be mad, because you deserved it.

I’m always trying to find justification and reassurance from someone “credible” and “unbiased”. Erin. I ask her things, when I start judging people, if she sees it too, if she feels that way also about that person. My justification. If not, my limiter. I’m not allowed to feel that way. I’m not allowed to see such things.


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