30 May

I was thinking just thinking about it, especially since it’s after writing the previous post about tears, that it’s really interesting that after every heartbreak, every despair, every depression, every frustration, every misunderstanding, every loss, every desolation, we always end up at the same place. A place where we relate with other people and can feel their pain; it’s the place where we can relate to ourselves, that shows we’re still the same person and we’re not the only people in the world going through pain. A place that proves that we’re human, we’re compassionate, we’re understanding, we do feel emotion, and that we are relational, rational beings. We always somehow find our way back to a place we often forget to revisit when we’re clouded with our own lives and business and happiness. We often forget the way back to our emotions, our natural, bare, naked state of “soul-fullness”. I call it that because that’s exactly what it is, being fully a soul, fully emotions. To forget and leave one’s physical human state for just a moment, and delve deeply into our souls, spirits, hearts, emotions, consciousness, vitality. Whatever you believe in, whatever you call it, it’s still an essential, yet often, too often, neglected and untreated part of ourselves. With tears, that’s kind of a way of our body or spirit telling us to revisit that broken part of ourselves. We experience physical pain because of a physical  injury or wound, but tears are our reminder that we are spiritually and emotionally broken. We need to mend a part of ourselves, we need closure, we need acceptance, we need to move on. It’s a sting, a jolt in our hum-like human consciousness that is only half-conscious (oh, the irony) telling us, reminding us to not just zip past this part of our lives or go through the motions like we usually do; but instead to look back for a second and see where it hurts. Have you ever forgotten how to cry? Or forgot how you felt when you were crying in the past? Maybe you’ve become hard to emotions, unfeeling, heartless, stone-cold, emotionless, and you’re trying to get in touch with the person you used to be, open-hearted, warm, maybe a little emotional or dramatic… That’s probably because you have stopped revisiting this essential place in your mind, you’ve closed it off. You are unable to relate with both yourself and others, unable to feel. But our pains and experiences bring us back to that and constantly reshape us as humans, constantly bring us back to our natural human selves, constantly call us to relate and sympathize and love and feel. It’s a beautiful and important thing, that we can so easily reach a secret part of ourselves and at the same time understand the seemingly deepest, darkest secrets and emotions of those around us.

So I will allow the tears to take me back, back to who I was and what I wanted, what I felt and what I dreamt, and maybe “soul-fullness” itself will be able to mend (oh my god I immediately thought of the word Ligate…DNA Synthesis! Okazaki Fragments! Biology! Sorry, I killed the solemnity.) the little rips and tears and holes in my life and hold me together as a perfectly imperfect relational being.

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