Archive | June, 2012

my feelings at this moment

24 Jun

Except, in a more friend/one-sided relationship sense versus a dramatic two-way relationship break-up. In the beginning I didn’t like this song much, and the music grew on me, but then I realized, ironically, (I hate drama and people who compare themselves to song lyrics about love, drama, and relationships) that the lyrics really do fit in with my life and thoughts at this moment, realistically. It’s really quite sad that I let it get to this point.

I know that the guy lyrics in this song is only for him, one person, one side of the relationship, but there are things that I think now (same as the guy’s thoughts) and said then (girl’s words). I don’t know, maybe it’s just because not many things come my way in life, things that I actually like or make me feel connected to the world, because I’m normally so detached and indifferent, but that just makes it a trillion times harder for me to let go. I’m already super against drama and self-caused misunderstandings – I think everything can be worked out by an understanding talk. It frustrates me when I’m not allowed to talk, when things are left unfinished, unclosed, relationships left with a sore split end that never gets touched or fixed; I desire closure.

There’s also the fact that I really miss someone who I thought understood me, who I could honestly say was my best friend – someone who I could talk to and be myself with, someone who was as open with me as I was with him, and not just a friend who I grew up with and was constantly put in the same bucket or environment with. Isn’t it a bit much to be ignored by someone like that, of that importance and status in one’s mind and treated like nothing? Especially if I know I meant more to him than he did to me. All this denial really just ticks me off. As if one could really ignore something like this. I don’t know, I’m just feeling some really conflicting emotions. But most of all, I’m really sad. Sad that I let things get to this point, sad that I let someone go, sad that I let this relationship, this last-ditch effort by the fates or by God or a guardian angel to let me feel at home, safe, connected, understood by someone in this world. But, let bygones be bygones, right? Perhaps…and perhaps there is still time to change things, clear things up, start over…

In a way, I think that if I can just get one day to talk with him again, maybe things won’t be so bad and we’ll be on better terms. I’m not asking for a friendship, as much as I would like one, I’m just asking for some acknowledgment and a conversation to talk things through and clear things up, before things are buried too much underneath layers of lies, denial, ignorance… It’s a pet peeve of mine when things are left uncleared and when important thoughts are never spoken.

And I don’t want to make anyone feel like I’m overthinking this, it’s just…in your shoes, would you ever let someone who was a best, best friend just walk away suddenly like that, and not even have one conversation, one confrontation to clear things up once and for all? To ask why, to wonder, to know, to understand? Can you really let someone like that slowly but surely become someone that you used to know, without asking any questions or even talking? It’s like people who slowly grow apart – you close your eyes for a while, and you open them and suddenly, with nothing explicitly said or done, both people are not friends and have nothing to do with each other, and slowly just disappear from people’s lives. You don’t always notice or cherish people’s importance when they’re still with you, but you do notice an emptiness, hollowness, shadow, echo, when they’re gone. And all I can say is that it’s just so sad. Yet, you ignore it and keep living. And the longer it drags, the more the emptiness and loneliness swallows your life and eats you up inside. It’s just like a sore spot you keep trying to ignore and abjure but it’s there, forever there. And you can’t do anything about it when they’re gone.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know


Reflection: Who am I fooling?

11 Jun

You can lie to everyone and make sure the truth gets buried under mounds of lies and double entendres and skewered, ambiguous truths…but you cannot truly lie to yourself. You can convince yourself and tell yourself otherwise, try to start over with a clean slate with new, poor unfortunate souls who would be easy to twist your own impression and true character with… You can pray to god that the few who do know the truth will never tell, because you either made them promise not to tell on pain of death, or hope that they don’t care, will forget, or won’t spread rumors or just won’t ever have any affiliation with you or your circle ever again.

But it hurts to lie and hide, and it’s terrible, embarrassing, degrading, to think of things you want to disappear into the void or deep abyss. It hurts to think of foolish, stupid, ignorant things. And when people lie, and try to turn themselves back into the innocent, cute, naive person who never did anything as wrong as that, it turns them into something worse. But it was a road you chose, and consequences follow every path of life, be they good or bad. And it’s impossible to go back again. You can say and hope that you are the same person, but you really aren’t. You’re always changed permanently by choices or decisions you make in life. Once the mistake falls into place, you can only fear it and be anxious for it to come out, lie to cover your tracks, or pretend to ignore it and be indifferent and apathetic to it all, but the latter is the hardest, as you will always be too scared of tarnishing your reputation or impression you make of yourself on other people. However, by hoping, hiding, and sneaking, do you make yourself a better person than the person at that time who first made that decision?

So, really, who are we fooling? Our hearts, ourselves, our friends, our family, god, strangers? And are you truly okay with that and what you have become? Is becoming a liar, traitor, and hypocrite truly a better decision than admitting your own human, disgusting imperfections and faults and telling the truth, even if it completely ruins your image or reputation?

9 Jun

Just like humans are tethered to sin and imperfection, I am tethered to failure and destruction.

9 Jun

Just because you were found sooner than others or somehow found the way back yourself, doesn’t mean you were never lost and can’t still get lost.

9 Jun

Is it because we are so inclined to believe in lies and sinfulness of the world over the goodness and honesty of others that we cause our own drama and misunderstandings?


Little Swallow

1 Jun

“Little Swallow,

Wearing a flower coat,

Flies here every spring

I ask the Swallow,

Why do you come?

The Swallow replies,

The spring here is the most…beautiful

Little Swallow,

I’ll tell you,

This year, this place

Is even more beautiful.

We have built new factories,

Installed new machinery,

To welcome you,

So you can settle down

For good…”

This is a Chinese nursery rhyme from the 1950s, used in the first chapter of Knite, a chinese webcomic manga by Yuumei.

The twisted, delusional irony lies in the fact that people actually truly believed they were making China a better, more beautiful and prosperous place by industializing so rapidly and extremely. Obviously, now we look back and see the immensely detrimental effects of the pollution and chemical waste, which is further portrayed in the webcomic as the title, Knite, refers to an organization of dreamer idealists who hope to bring back the stars to the murky, clouded skies by flying kites with christmas lights hanging from them every night.

1 Jun

Summer is finally here! I’m done with finals! YAY I’m so happy oh my gosh. I don’t even know what to write…other than SMILEYS 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀