Reflection: Who am I fooling?

11 Jun

You can lie to everyone and make sure the truth gets buried under mounds of lies and double entendres and skewered, ambiguous truths…but you cannot truly lie to yourself. You can convince yourself and tell yourself otherwise, try to start over with a clean slate with new, poor unfortunate souls who would be easy to twist your own impression and true character with… You can pray to god that the few who do know the truth will never tell, because you either made them promise not to tell on pain of death, or hope that they don’t care, will forget, or won’t spread rumors or just won’t ever have any affiliation with you or your circle ever again.

But it hurts to lie and hide, and it’s terrible, embarrassing, degrading, to think of things you want to disappear into the void or deep abyss. It hurts to think of foolish, stupid, ignorant things. And when people lie, and try to turn themselves back into the innocent, cute, naive person who never did anything as wrong as that, it turns them into something worse. But it was a road you chose, and consequences follow every path of life, be they good or bad. And it’s impossible to go back again. You can say and hope that you are the same person, but you really aren’t. You’re always changed permanently by choices or decisions you make in life. Once the mistake falls into place, you can only fear it and be anxious for it to come out, lie to cover your tracks, or pretend to ignore it and be indifferent and apathetic to it all, but the latter is the hardest, as you will always be too scared of tarnishing your reputation or impression you make of yourself on other people. However, by hoping, hiding, and sneaking, do you make yourself a better person than the person at that time who first made that decision?

So, really, who are we fooling? Our hearts, ourselves, our friends, our family, god, strangers? And are you truly okay with that and what you have become? Is becoming a liar, traitor, and hypocrite truly a better decision than admitting your own human, disgusting imperfections and faults and telling the truth, even if it completely ruins your image or reputation?

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