my feelings at this moment

24 Jun

Except, in a more friend/one-sided relationship sense versus a dramatic two-way relationship break-up. In the beginning I didn’t like this song much, and the music grew on me, but then I realized, ironically, (I hate drama and people who compare themselves to song lyrics about love, drama, and relationships) that the lyrics really do fit in with my life and thoughts at this moment, realistically. It’s really quite sad that I let it get to this point.

I know that the guy lyrics in this song is only for him, one person, one side of the relationship, but there are things that I think now (same as the guy’s thoughts) and said then (girl’s words). I don’t know, maybe it’s just because not many things come my way in life, things that I actually like or make me feel connected to the world, because I’m normally so detached and indifferent, but that just makes it a trillion times harder for me to let go. I’m already super against drama and self-caused misunderstandings – I think everything can be worked out by an understanding talk. It frustrates me when I’m not allowed to talk, when things are left unfinished, unclosed, relationships left with a sore split end that never gets touched or fixed; I desire closure.

There’s also the fact that I really miss someone who I thought understood me, who I could honestly say was my best friend – someone who I could talk to and be myself with, someone who was as open with me as I was with him, and not just a friend who I grew up with and was constantly put in the same bucket or environment with. Isn’t it a bit much to be ignored by someone like that, of that importance and status in one’s mind and treated like nothing? Especially if I know I meant more to him than he did to me. All this denial really just ticks me off. As if one could really ignore something like this. I don’t know, I’m just feeling some really conflicting emotions. But most of all, I’m really sad. Sad that I let things get to this point, sad that I let someone go, sad that I let this relationship, this last-ditch effort by the fates or by God or a guardian angel to let me feel at home, safe, connected, understood by someone in this world. But, let bygones be bygones, right? Perhaps…and perhaps there is still time to change things, clear things up, start over…

In a way, I think that if I can just get one day to talk with him again, maybe things won’t be so bad and we’ll be on better terms. I’m not asking for a friendship, as much as I would like one, I’m just asking for some acknowledgment and a conversation to talk things through and clear things up, before things are buried too much underneath layers of lies, denial, ignorance… It’s a pet peeve of mine when things are left uncleared and when important thoughts are never spoken.

And I don’t want to make anyone feel like I’m overthinking this, it’s just…in your shoes, would you ever let someone who was a best, best friend just walk away suddenly like that, and not even have one conversation, one confrontation to clear things up once and for all? To ask why, to wonder, to know, to understand? Can you really let someone like that slowly but surely become someone that you used to know, without asking any questions or even talking? It’s like people who slowly grow apart – you close your eyes for a while, and you open them and suddenly, with nothing explicitly said or done, both people are not friends and have nothing to do with each other, and slowly just disappear from people’s lives. You don’t always notice or cherish people’s importance when they’re still with you, but you do notice an emptiness, hollowness, shadow, echo, when they’re gone. And all I can say is that it’s just so sad. Yet, you ignore it and keep living. And the longer it drags, the more the emptiness and loneliness swallows your life and eats you up inside. It’s just like a sore spot you keep trying to ignore and abjure but it’s there, forever there. And you can’t do anything about it when they’re gone.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

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