Sick of Summer.

19 Jul

I am kind of really sick with my summer. I have barely gotten any of what I would call productive work or studying done, and when I study for SATs it feels like my heart and mind are not in it and I just can’t focus. I’ve been reading more, that’s definitely a plus, but everything like AP summer homework and the pressure of the upcoming school year and SAT books and vocab and writing and practice tests is looming over me like a shadow and dragging me down whenever I try to do anything. And when I read, I’m not enjoying the book like I should; I’m reading every night until 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning so that I finish each book all in one day or less. And it’s really killing my eyes and my head hurts and I feel like I’m dying and I can’t get any sleep and I don’t know what to do. I guess I just shouldn’t have procrastinated, and now I’m all stressed out because there’s less than a month left of summer, and I probably have to finish everything within the next two weeks or week and a half, before I return to San Jose.

But mainly, I’m tired of my internship. I don’t mean it like I’m totally blowing it off or anything, because it truly is an amazing opportunity, I just feel like it takes so much of my time and energy from the middle of the day where I am actually awake and should be productively studying and doing work but I can’t because I’m there for 5-7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Mounting brains, cutting brains, attending lab meetings, reading papers about the brain and psychology and neuroscience and addiction and drugs, working with rats, and basically being a rat janitor and cleaning all their cages once they’re out. It’s really tedious, monotonous work, but it’s definitely also my fault because I have the chance to be social and talk to all the fun and hilarious people (most are college students or graduates) there, but I don’t, no, I can’t, because I’m so awkward and I don’t know how to respond or talk so I just let the conversations trail off even though I wish I could hold a conversation. Because no one likes to talk to people who don’t respond or aren’t funny or make things awkward.

When I get home from the internship, I’m extremely tired from mounting brains and stuff, so I just want to sleep or zone out or watch tv for a bit. But I can’t, because I have to study and do work, but the most important time of day is gone. I just wish I could hold it together for a little while longer. Just this summer, then I can do whatever I want. Not really, but it’s similar and it makes me feel better.

Anyway, I’m just tired that I don’t have a routine for work now, I can’t make myself get into the mindset for focusing or studying or memorizing or remembering anything, really. It just sucks and I’m sick of wasting time and being unproductive and stressed out.

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