Tag Archives: human

The walls.

17 Jul

The walls around me are plaster white and bumpy, they watch my every movement and absorb my heartbeat into its walls.

I sit up straighter, looking straight ahead, and place one of my palms on the wall. It’s cold, I think. It’s so cold. And my heart starts to race again, racing for the hand that is so far from safety, racing for the hand that is somehow out my reach, my jurisdiction, my control, my comfort zone. Racing for the hand that is so absorbed the tiny ridges and crevices and bumps that run smooth and cold under my fingertips, like the laughing brook at home.

Home. How did I end up in the place, this cold, cold place? This icy, foreign land that is such a stranger to me. I think about laughing brooks, I think about home, and I wonder why I remember the thought of laughing brooks, but not the image, not the memory. I also do not have a memory or image associated with Home. How silly, I think to myself, unconvincingly, to think about Home! But I am unable to push the thought of Home from my mind. I whisper to the walls, but only in my head, because I am scared of being heard, and because the walls are cold and smooth and white…so white that they seem almost transparent, but only because I know the world beyond the walls is surely not pure white. How do I know? I think to myself, How do I know the world isn’t white? I have been trapped inside these walls for as long as I can remember, as long as I dare to remember. For beyond these walls are secrets, deep, dark, traitorous secrets, that I am sure of. And I do not question myself any longer.

I have no memory of the outside world, but the world of these four walls is still deeply foreign to me. I count the walls again, for the hundred-thousandth time. That is the only thing that makes me feel safe, secure; the knowledge of these four walls. I sometimes wonder how I got trapped in here, and have thought of screaming for help or trying to break out, but I know, I just know, that there are people listening to me beyond these four walls, beyond my whole world. There are people watching, waiting, listening… Sometimes I think that if I press my ear to the wall, softly, I can hear the buzzing and mumbling of movements outside, the sharp draw of breath, the long, half-hearted sigh, the steady and loud breaths from the ones beyond the walls, but it might just be my imagination. How much of me can they see? Am I just an experiment? Was I abandoned and put in here? Is this my punishment? Or do they not even know I am here? If that is so, then is it really okay for me to yell for help, or try to break the wall?

I run my fingers over the sides of the wall again, this time curiosity getting the better of me, and I span a greater distance than the last time I dared to touch the walls. Tracing a line with my four fingers, I press so lightly that it’s like I am not even touching the walls, but pure air. Cold, icy, smooth, electric air. The reason I press so lightly is because I have a fear that if I press too hard, the wall will turn to ice, and shatter. I don’t know why I am so afraid of the wall shattering, because I am sure I will be able to get out then. But I wonder if I even want to get out.

So I continue, only just surviving, sustaining, in my icy smooth world inside the four walls.

 

when things change…

21 Apr

It’s a terrible feeling to find out that people change, that things around us are not as solid, safe, secure as they seem, that things are just one misstep from falling apart or fading away. We humans are beings that look forward to and depend upon the constancy of things and people in our daily lives. We are relational beings, we set in roots in places and we expect them to grow and blossom in our future lives. No matter what people say, we don’t really like adventure. We may like the sudden, precarious thrills of adventure, but deep down, where things are important, when the fantastical dreams and chimerical tales of our lives are over and gone, we want something real and sturdy: we want security and comfort and a solid sheltered place to call our home. We want family waiting for us to welcome us with open arms, friends who will be with us and support us, a place that we know will be safe and salubrious. Those things of solidity, things we put our trust in to never fail us, never forsake us, things we believe will always be there…we need them. We need them to constantly reaffirm who we are, we need their support and confidence and trust, we need them to see through us to our inner selves and remind us be who we truly are. We need people and things to remind us that we are not what the world tells us we are, but ourselves, and those are the things that keep us on our right path in life, they guide us and help us to truly see and understand what we have to do in life, what our purpose is, etcetera. But the truth is that things change. People constantly are revising their views, things we depend on change and disappear, heck, we change. Sometimes people or things that meant so much to us the past has come to mean nothing to us. Things we used to love or feel so much ardor for have faded away into the void. People we used to trust unconditionally, we now suspect or doubt.

Perhaps you have felt this way about someone or something in your life, perhaps you’ve come back or maybe even stepped back and taken a closer look into your life or the lives of others around you, maybe you’ve read between the lines and discovered that things you as have always thought are really not what they seem. People you thought would never do anything to hurt someone else, or even yourself, are and have been doing it for a while now. Without even a second thought. Why do they fall back on contradicting their character? Why do they do things like this now? Have they been pushed into a corner in their lives, blinded with no other way out? But they were once so perfect, they never made any great mistakes, they were people we would hope to be like when we grow older, people who inspired and motivated us to become better people. How could they do that to themselves, let themselves get away with compromising their true, righteousness or authenticity? People change, things change, values and morals change, the world changes, doctrines change, what people consider to be the truth changes… That’s just the way it is. But humans cannot be surrounded with constancy. They need something strong and firm to hold them up, even when people fail you, even when your loved ones betray you, even when the world abandons you.

I am not going to talk about god(s), or faith, or religion, but I do want you guys to think about things in your life. Are they solid, safe, and secure; enough for you to build your life upon? Or are they transient, fleeting, fallible, insecure, shakeable, conditional, temporary, ephemeral?